My Story

This is my story. Mine. Not yours. Not his. Not hers. Totally mine. Don't you dare to even think that it is similar to yours, or hers, or his. Because I wouldn't believe you.

I would never believe you. I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in anyone. But myself. I am the only reason I am still alive. I am my only friend, my only mentor, my only love.

Love.



A blissful act of giving selflessly. And I shower myself with unmeasurable love, with every breath that I take. With every sight that I see, and every sound that I hear, I fall more and more in love with me. Because I am the ultimate dependency to myself. My strength.

I was once told that once you have gone through the worst, nothing can ever stop you from achieving anything. And I, I have been there, to the lowest of low, and the bottom of all bottoms.

And when I was there, there were no other souls around.

OFF

Just for an hour today.

8.30pm - 9.30pm.

Surely it will be fun.

Pendapat

We would like to think that we are right. And the opinions that we have on other things, or people, are presumably right too. But we do know that almost everything is subjective, except for science, and the chronology of things that have happened (now how can that be subjective?).

Do you get what I am getting at?

So why does one wants to fight for one's opinions? They are after all, just opinions.

And this is mine.

Apple

26 February 2008

why won't you kiss me
when my tongue is traced with blood

Free

18 August 2007

There's no more room for my teeth to move.

Saya Sebatang Pen

Saya sebatang pen hitam, buatan gombak. Selepas siap melalui proses pembuatan, saya dimasukkan ke dalam sebuah kotak bersama 99 batang pen yang lain. Selepas itu, saya tidak tahu apa yang terjadi kerana persekitaran menjadi gelap.



Selepas beberapa minggu di dalam kegelapan, saya ternampak secebis cahaya di hujung kotak. Kononnya seperti ada orang hendak membuka kotak tersebut. Saya gembira! Saya sabar menanti. Tetapi cahaya itu hanya secebis itu sahaja sehingga beberapa minggu lagi. Saya hampa.

Sehinggalah pada suatu hari yang muram, kotak itu dibuka, dan saya bersama rakan-rakan pen yang lain disusun di rak jualan pen. Sungguh bergaya. Kami mula berkawan dengan pen-pen jenis lain, dan membuat andaian siapa yang akan pergi dahulu.

Selepas dua hari berpesta di rak jualan pen, ada seorang budak lelaki datang pada suatu lewat pagi, berdiri di hadapan rak jualan pen. Matanya bersinar melihat semua pen yang ada, dan entah mengapa hati saya pula yang berdebar-debar. Selepas dua saat, tangannya mencapai ke arah saya dan membawa saya ke arah sekeping kertas yang diletakkan di rak untuk cuba-guna.

Kerana saya suka akan budak ini, saya dengan rela hati mengeluarkan dakwat yang paling cantik, sekaligus mencantikkan tulisannya yang agak buruk, untuk menarik perhatiannya. Berjaya! Saya dibawa ke kaunter bayaran dan kemudian dia membawa saya pulang.

Namanya John. Dia sering menggunakan saya untuk menulis namanya di atas kertas peperiksaan. Dia seorang budak sekolah darjah lima, yang menurut perhatian saya tidak mempunyai kawan. Tapi dia sering menulis namanya. John. John. John. Saya tidak pernah bosan.

John mempunyai seekor kucing hitam yang sakit. Saya pernah melihat kucing-kucing lain semasa di kilang dan kedai, tetapi kucing ini sedikit berlainan. Dia tidak boleh melihat. Dia mengharapkan John untuk segalanya. John sangat setia, sering memandikan kucing itu, membawanya ke tempat makan dan mengorek tanah untuk kucing itu apabila kucing itu perlu buang air. Kucing itu bernama Shall.

Walaupun sakit, Shall suka bermain. Saya cuba untuk bermain dengan Shall, tetapi dia terkena mata pena saya dan kakinya berdarah. John sungguh marah dan baling saya ke dinding. Dia membawa Shall ke klinik haiwan.

John juga separa buta. Saya sebenarnya tidak dibaling ke dinding. Itu hanya anggapannya. Saya termasuk ke dalam bilik adik John yang berumur sembilan tahun. Dia mengutip saya dan memakaikan saya riben ungu. Saya suka. Adik John bernama Nancy. Dia sangat cantik, tetapi sedikit gila. Dia menggunakan saya untuk menconteng dinding biliknya dengan kata-kata indah. Saya sangat suka.

Apabila dakwat saya habis, Nancy menyimpan saya di dalam sebuah laci, bersama 99 batang pen yang lain. Semuanya diikat dengan riben ungu.

Syurga. Saya sayang Nancy.

Stop.

We all have animal instincts. Thus, to show our love, we get out of our way to feed the ones we love. Out of our way, to feed them junks.

But we can't praise all the other species for not doing that, for they do not have any purchasing power. (Yet?) What if they had? They might fall into the same trap. Maybe.

Sometimes I wish that I am less loved.

Aysha

"Aysha tak suka pergi school..."

"Good. Cik Da pun tak suka pergi school."

"No, Aysha tak suka pergi school petang. Kalau pagi baru best."

Owh, I was about to think that we were alike.

I guess not.

Reality

I don't understand writers. They say, "I can't write when I'm happy." But then also, "I can't write! I'm fucking depressed!" Sometimes, "Owh, you liked it? I wrote that when I was feeling down."

Contradictions.

Don't you just hate them when people point them out to you?

Not really.

So basically, maybe I just don't feel like writing right now.

Really?

Dreamt of Mek Putu last night, just feel like sharing

For Tany, who misses me. =)

Three Names I go by:
1. Shahida (For work)
2. Wan (For friends from school)
3. Da (Used to be for family, but I introduce myself as Da now)



Three Jobs I have had in my life:
1. TM Net/TM
2. Lineclear
3. iEdwrites Management

Three Places I have lived:
1. Jalan Setiakasih
2. Jalan Astana
3. Jalan Bidai

Three TV Shows that I watched:
1. Moero Attack
2. Ed
3. That's So Raven

Three places I have been:
1. Tokyo (It was fun Tany)
2. Gua Niah
3. Jeram Toi

Three people that IM me:
1. Akaz
2. Kola
3. Mike

Three memorable movies:
1. Misteri Rumah Tua
2. Moonlight and Valentino
3. House Of Yes

Three people that text me:
1. Kak Mas
2. Celcom
3. Mike

Three of my favorite food:
1. Kuih gulung
2. Lasagne
3. Juice

Three of my favorite dessert:
1. Caramel
2. Coffee
3. Whipped cream

Three things I would like to do:
1. Regularly recycle
2. Adopt
3. Change the world

Three favorite bands of all time:
1. Shakespear's Sister
2. All Saints
3. Air Supply

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Achieving 2009's target
2. Straight teeth
3. Being fit

Enough with the singing already. It won't rain today.

I planned to regularly write something here about taking care of the environment, or something of that sort, since forever. But then I got so caught up with work, and plus, I was a bit lazy to do research. So, it never happened. Until today. (If I actually get to finish this article and post it.)

Why prolong something that could benefit me and others?



There are a lot to talk about when it comes to taking care of the environment, basically the goal is to save the earth. Cut less trees, use recycled stuff, save water, save paper, save energy, stop taking plastic bags when shopping, and the list goes on and on. What's obvious is, almost everything is interrelated.

For example:
We should avoid using paper because we don't want to cut too many trees down, because less trees means concentration of carbon dioxide will risen, which will then increase the world's temperature, and subsequently ice will melt, and water level will climb up; and most probably drown us all and we will all die.

Or we might evolve back to be water creatures to survive.

When it comes to the topic of using shopping bags instead of plastic bags, it boils down to the same thing. Other than avoiding having earth covered with garbage, we save energy by cutting down plastic bags production, because every time we use electricity we risk increasing the world's temperature, and subsequently ice will melt, and water level will climb up; and most probably drown us all and we will all die.

Or we might evolve back to be water creatures to survive.

Remember the essays we have to write during form five or one of the topics we have to learn for oral -- global warming? Well, it was new back then (if we are of the same age) and now it is getting to be quite a serious issue.

I always wonder what we as individuals can do to contribute to help save the world. I still wonder. Today I just found out about one of the many efforts being done in order to save our pad.

http://earthhour.org.my/

I guess it's a start. We are officially taking part as a country to shut down electricity for an hour, at 8.30pm on 28th of March 2009, to show that we care about Earth.

An hour for Earth.

But I still wonder about recycling though. Are we actually making an impact in Malaysia in that area? Where are the stuff sent for recycling are sent to? Because I heard that sometimes they are sent back to the dump-fill. Really?

Hey there new.

I recently realized the danger of hanging on to the past. Not in the depressing kind of way, like frequently thinking of our ex or anything like that. But more to a hopeful kind of way. Hanging on to a certain type of thinking, that once had made us happy, something that we are not indulging in this current present.



Something that we had, yesterday or yesteryear, and the memory of it was so beautiful that we wish we can have it again. Now. Maybe just once. Or more. Because we are so sure that it will be blissful, exactly as it was before.

But of course, we have forgotten why we stopped having it in the first place. Most probably, because we decided that it was not the right way to go. Ah, the forbidden fruit, even more tempting us.

We can long, wish, hope. But we know deep down it is not something we still want.

We can long, wish and hope.

But why should we?

I'm forgetting, and it's almost forgotten.

An attempt to be normal (again) (too).