My Story

This is my story. Mine. Not yours. Not his. Not hers. Totally mine. Don't you dare to even think that it is similar to yours, or hers, or his. Because I wouldn't believe you.

I would never believe you. I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in anyone. But myself. I am the only reason I am still alive. I am my only friend, my only mentor, my only love.

Love. 

A blissful act of giving selflessly. And I shower myself with immeasurable love, with every breath that I take. With every sight that I see, and every sound that I hear, I fall more and more in love with me. Because I have an ultimate dependency on myself. My strength.

I was once told that once you have gone through the worst, nothing can ever stop you from achieving anything. And I, I have been there, to the lowest of low, and the bottom of all bottoms. 

And when I was there, there were no other souls around.

Pendapat

We would like to think that we are right. And the opinions that we have on other things, or people, are presumably right too. But we do know that almost everything is subjective, except for science, and the chronology of things that have happened (now how can that be subjective?). 

Do you get what I am getting at?

So why does one wants to fight for one's opinions? They are after all, just opinions.

And this is mine.

Saya Sebatang Pen

Saya sebatang pen hitam, buatan gombak. Selepas siap melalui proses pembuatan, saya dimasukkan ke dalam sebuah kotak bersama 99 batang pen yang lain. Selepas itu, saya tidak tahu apa yang terjadi kerana persekitaran menjadi gelap.

Selepas beberapa minggu di dalam kegelapan, saya ternampak secebis cahaya di hujung kotak. Kononnya seperti ada orang hendak membuka kotak tersebut. Saya gembira! Saya sabar menanti. Tetapi cahaya itu hanya secebis itu sahaja sehingga beberapa minggu lagi. Saya hampa. 

Sehinggalah pada suatu hari yang muram, kotak itu dibuka, dan saya bersama rakan-rakan pen yang lain disusun di rak jualan pen. Sungguh bergaya. Kami mula berkawan dengan pen-pen jenis lain, dan membuat andaian siapa yang akan pergi dahulu.

Selepas dua hari berpesta di rak jualan pen, ada seorang budak lelaki datang pada suatu lewat pagi, berdiri di hadapan rak jualan pen. Matanya bersinar melihat semua pen yang ada, dan entah mengapa hati saya pula yang berdebar-debar. Selepas dua saat, tangannya mencapai ke arah saya dan membawa saya ke arah sekeping kertas yang diletakkan di rak untuk cuba-guna. 

Kerana saya suka akan budak ini, saya dengan rela hati mengeluarkan dakwat yang paling cantik, sekaligus mencantikkan tulisannya yang agak buruk, untuk menarik perhatiannya. Berjaya! Saya dibawa ke kaunter bayaran dan kemudian dia membawa saya pulang.

Namanya John. Dia sering menggunakan saya untuk menulis namanya di atas kertas peperiksaan. Dia seorang budak sekolah darjah lima, yang menurut perhatian saya tidak mempunyai kawan. Tapi dia sering menulis namanya. John. John. John. Saya tidak pernah bosan.

John mempunyai seekor kucing hitam yang sakit. Saya pernah melihat kucing-kucing lain semasa di kilang dan kedai, tetapi kucing ini sedikit berlainan. Dia tidak boleh melihat. Dia mengharapkan John untuk segalanya. John sangat setia, sering memandikan kucing itu, membawanya ke tempat makan dan mengorek tanah untuk kucing itu apabila kucing itu perlu buang air. Kucing itu bernama Shall.

Walaupun sakit, Shall suka bermain. Saya cuba untuk bermain dengan Shall, tetapi dia terkena mata pena saya dan kakinya berdarah. John sungguh marah dan baling saya ke dinding. Dia membawa Shall ke klinik haiwan. 

John juga separa buta. Saya sebenarnya tidak dibaling ke dinding. Itu hanya anggapannya. Saya termasuk ke dalam bilik adik John yang berumur sembilan tahun. Dia mengutip saya dan memakaikan saya riben ungu. Saya suka. Adik John bernama Nancy. Dia sangat cantik, tetapi sedikit gila. Dia menggunakan saya untuk menconteng dinding biliknya dengan kata-kata indah. Saya sangat suka.

Apabila dakwat saya habis, Nancy menyimpan saya di dalam sebuah laci, bersama 99 batang pen yang lain. Semuanya diikat dengan riben ungu.

Syurga. Saya sayang Nancy.

Stop.

We all have animal instincts. Thus, to show our love, we get out of our way to feed the ones we love. Out of our way, to feed them junks. 

But we can't praise all the other species for not doing that, for they do not have any purchasing power. (Yet?) What if they had? They might fall into the same trap. Maybe.

Sometimes I wish that I am less loved.

Reality

I don't understand writers. They say, "I can't write when I'm happy." But then they also say, "I can't write! I'm fucking depressed!" Sometimes, "Owh, you liked it? I wrote that when I was feeling down."

Contradictions.

Don't you just hate them when people point them out to you?

Not really.

So basically, maybe I just don't feel like writing right now.

Really?

I Dreamt of Mek Putu Last Night

For Tany, who misses me. =)

Three Names I go by:
1. Shahida (For work)
2. Wan (For friends from school)
3. Da (Used to be for family, but I introduce myself as Da now)

Three Jobs I have had in my life:
1. TM Net/TM
2. Lineclear
3. iEdwrites Management

Three Places I have lived:
1. Jalan Setiakasih
2. Jalan Astana
3. Jalan Bidai

Three TV Shows that I watched:
1. Moero Attack
2. Ed
3. That's So Raven

Three places I have been:
1. Tokyo (It was fun Tany)
2. Gua Niah
3. Jeram Toi

Three people that IM me:
1. Akaz
2. Kola
3. Mike

Three memorable movies:
1. Misteri Rumah Tua
2. Moonlight and Valentino
3. House Of Yes

Three people that text me:
1. Kak Mas
2. Celcom
3. Mike

Three of my favorite food:
1. Kuih gulung 
2. Lasagne
3. Juice

Three of my favorite dessert:
1. Caramel
2. Coffee
3. Whipped cream

Three things I would like to do:
1. Regularly recycle
2. Adopt
3. Change the world

Three favorite bands of all time:
1. Shakespear's Sister
2. All Saints
3. Air Supply

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Achieving 2009's target
2. Straight teeth
3. Being fit