There's no fucking way it can be set right. As complex as we live our lives, we do not know how hard it is for the other person. Because we do not want to know. What we know is what's on our end, it sucks. Thus the word betrayal. No fucking way we can know what really happened. There are no reruns in life. A second-hand story, can never explain it all.
I remember someone asking me, maybe five years ago, "What would you do if you meet someone who is exactly like you?" Without giving it a long thought my answer was, "I'd kill her." At that time I was crazy with the notions of taking over the world, I was selfish and unsympathetic. I don't need another me to share the world with. No way. I want it all to myself. And if that person was exactly like me, she would kill me too. Without hesitations.
That was five years ago. Today I am faced with the same question. What would I do if I meet someone who is exactly like me. I would run, yes, far away. I don't kill people anymore. Five years was a long time and I have grown soft. I care, am sympathetic and am empathetic. Those traits still collide with the my older traits though. The more reason that I should run away quick.It's not hard to figure out.dA + dA = disasterSo if it is the ego that makes us feel that things matter, if we were to ignore our ego completely nothing would matter anymore? Philosophers say that we feel/get angry because we are just feeding our ego, we get upset because of it too, and happy? Well, I haven't got to that section of the book yet.
Be Zen, calm, or anything that is synonymous to that, and nothing should bother us anymore. Nothing? Because nothing should matter?I guess now I understand the famous Metallica song, Nothing Else Matters. Very clever indeed.So close, no matter how farYou are just a quiet person. That was what you said. Sitting there, looking at your hands, shoulders slouched forward, as if telling the world to leave you alone.
But now, you want.. no, need, the world to acknowledge your presence.And it does.They always do."I declare today as a holiday!"
That was such a smart move. Because it had been weeks, and my work had no progress at all. It was not helping to be working in an environment that finishing two half page articles was considered a big achievement. (Truly, no offense to anyone, we have our days eh?)I have been trying to work, and trying is really the word. Nothing was done or achieved. Until"I declare today as a holiday!"That was three days ago maybe. And I forced any thoughts of work out from my head, and said to myself, "To hell with it, I might as well laze around and do nothing." It's true you know. Trying to do work, uses up more energy than actually doing it. And until the day was almost ending, I was tired from not doing anything. Almost the same amount of energy used up to pretend to do work.I might as well actually do work.And I did. Slowly, but at least something is done. We'll get there.What is this? Is this the wall? But I am not even running.I remember when I was much, much, much younger. When my mum said no, it meant no.
"But why?""No."And that's final. Some things are just not for comprehension. Perhaps not for mine at that age.But now, at 29, I still find that certain things just can't be comprehended. Maybe I should just imagine Ma pointing her finger at me and say, "No.""No, Dada. No."Fine.One question that I have been asking myself lately? What am I doing with my life right now? Is it a path to where I want to be someday? At times, I remind myself, that how would I know where this path will lead. In fact, how will I know where any paths would lead to? Most of the times, I cringe.I cringe because, I fear of the future. I fear of failure.Where did all my courage go? Because, not so long ago, I swear, I could face a dragon.And as once again, life being a teacher to me, showed me that things can just go wrong. The labyrinth that you thought you have a map of, can just change in seconds. How I cursed at the circumstances. How can I get turned down, when I thought I was being so brave? Is this just a trick?And I start to get bitter, and I want to be forever bitter. Like the bitch some people said that I once were. Owh, you didn't know? Did you know that that bitch once said, "Owh, you've got cancer? Erm.. I got to go!" Well, I was quite good at hiding my true self to most of the people around me.Was.Seeing me so glum, someone offered me an advice, and said, "Hey, you're only human." And the bitch answered, "I never wanted to be just human. I am above that." And I was given a look that said, "You're so full of yourself again, get over it." Wait, am I like everyone else, just human? How I want to be so full of myself. Because, by giving, helping and picking up others, it can be tiring. I wish I can climb the ladder alone, but I just realized something lately, that it can be lonely. At least, when you give, help and pick others up along the way, there will be some people climbing up with you."Hello? Are you coming? No? I'm waiting. No? You are sure? No? Okay.""Anybody else?"Don't get judgmental, and assume where the ladder leads to. It can be anywhere. But the journey, it might as well seems like it's going to the same place. But you have to understand too, that anywhere, can also be the very same place.So no. I won't be that bitch again. I am an adult and I will take whatever life has to teach me.Okay, anybody has cancer? I can be there for you. Sometimes. Not all of the time of course. You see. I am only human.(To you.)
Entrapped by my own expectations.I can neither turn back, or merely run away. Although it is only my pride that will be at stake, I have decided to root my feet to the ground.For that will force me not to leave my stand, but I can still grow to touch the sky.
"Oh, hello there sunny. Where's the moon?"
We would like to think that we are right. And the opinions that we have on other things, or people, are presumably right too. But we do know that almost everything is subjective, except for science, and the chronology of things that have happened (now how can that be subjective?). Do you get what I am getting at?So why does one wants to fight for one's opinions? They are after all, just opinions.And this is mine.
I planned to regularly write something here about taking care of the environment, or something of that sort, since forever. But then I got so caught up with work, and plus, I was always lazy to do research. So, it never happened. Until today. (If I actually get to finish this article and post it.)Why prolong something that could benefit me and others?There are a lot to talk about when it comes to taking care of the environment, basically the goal is to save the earth. Cut less trees, use recycled stuff, save water, save paper, save energy, stop taking plastic bags when shopping, and the list goes on and on. What's obvious is, almost everything is interrelated. For example:
We should avoid using paper because we don't want to cut too many trees down, because less trees means concentration of carbon dioxide will risen, which will then increase the world's temperature, and subsequently ice will melt, and water level will climb up; and most probably drown us all and we will all die. Or we might evolve back to be water creatures to survive.When it comes to the topic of using shopping bags instead of plastic bags, it boils down to the same thing. Other than avoiding having earth covered with garbage, we save energy by cutting down plastic bags production, because every time we use electricity we risk increasing the world's temperature, and subsequently ice will melt, and water level will climb up; and most probably drown us all and we will all die. Or we might evolve back to be water creatures to survive.Remember the essays we have to write during form five or one of the topics we have to learn for oral tests -- global warming? Well, it was new back then (if we are of the same age) and now it is getting to be quite a serious issue. I always wonder what we as individuals can do to contribute to help save the world. I still wonder. Today I just found out about one of the many efforts being done in order to save our pad.http://earthhour.org.my/I guess it's a start. We are officially taking part as a country to shut down electricity for an hour, at 8.30pm on 28th of March 2009, to show that we care about Earth. An hour for Earth.But I still wonder about recycling though. Are we actually making an impact in Malaysia in that area? Where are the stuff sent for recycling are sent to? Because I heard that sometimes they are sent back to the dump-fill. Really?
